Author's Note: The spam was donated by Helene de Grosbois.

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OK... I've had it with you people and your not so subtle hints that you've selected me as a foot-soldier in the war against missing children. I'm no good with kids. I have five, arguably six of my own that I neglect to feed, clothe, or feel any concern about. Why contact has been made with me boggles my mind. You have the wrong guy. I'm not the man for the job.

I thought something was fishy when I started drinking milk again and there were coupons for kids on the back, a different one on each carton. Then when I learned to read after a stay in the pokey, I re-examined the 7 or so cartons in my fridge dating back 2 years to discover that the pictures I was looking at depicted children who were missing, which is strange because if they knew they were missing, why would they send their own pictures to milk distributors? Instead of locating a dairy company, maybe they should have just called home! Maybe the embarrassment of being lost got the best of them. Well... kids... ya know, they're dumb.

And why milk cartons? Some of these kids would be better off sending their images to Budweiser to put on the back of cans, but I'm not here to judge even though these missing kids are obviously idiots. Really, think about it... if you put photos of kids on the back of beer cans, every person in my neighborhood would have a collection of about 30-35 a night! These kids would be found in no time!

Anyhoo, I clipped the photos and I taped them up on the right-hand side of my windshield for quick reference and I started driving around the streets at night looking for them. The only people who came up to the car were girls a bit out of the age range of the clippings, but they seemed very needy and lonely, so I took an hour out of my search to have sex with them, and I gave them a little cash to help them out. I am helpful to a fault.

So after about 3 weeks of searching for these milk carton kids, I was broke and no longer able to peacefully urinate, so I stopped. It was fruitless and my testicles swelled to the size of pitbulls... clearly the long nights and the hard work involved with finding the kids were taking their toll on me.

So I retired, but a few weeks later I started to receive a leaflet every week in the mail with a picture of a missing child on one side and some crappy advertising for carpet cleaners on the back discretely addressed to "resident". So I hit the streets again. The leaflets list some descriptive information and they tell you where the child was last seen and who they were with. They are never last seen anywhere near me! It's always another state, usually far away... and I'm lucky if my pick-up will make it to the track and back! It's never even in an adjoining state to mine! How the hell was I supposed to find these kids? I had no proper resources... just a big bag of Hershey's miniatures that I shook and said, "here kiddy, kiddy" over and over.

I am still getting these leaflets to this day. Who's REALLY sending them to me? The carpet cleaning thing on the back looks so crappy that it can't possibly be a legit business. Is it a front for a serial kidnapper who thinks I'm a detective? Do they send me these things because they want me to catch them? Maybe I'm the only person who gets these leaflets. Maybe if I go to the carpet cleaning office, I'll find all the children, and I'll be able to stop cruising the streets every night with this ever-growing stack of leaflets and stinky milk carton clippings. I can't stand the pressure.

I go into thrift stores and I see all the hand-made trinkets and art projects from kids that are inexplicably there. Did some poor kid try to hock their clay ashtray from art class to a Salvation Army? Do they not know that you only steal from Salvation Army stores, and that they don't work like pawn shops... or did they already hit the pawn shops only to be laughed at? Are they like bread crumbs that missing children drop from thrift store to thrift store, knowing that no one would dare buy something of such obviously sentimental value.

I can't take this anymore!!! All the guessing, and the second guessing is driving me nuts.... and then I get this email from you!!! Another way to search... well no, I'm having none of it.

Do you really think I can do this? For what... redemption? Are you the Lord trying to help me clear my name for past indiscretions, or some missing kid toying with my kind and naturally helpful sensibilities? It doesn't matter... this is the last straw.

Please... leave me be... I can't find America's missing children, and it's not for lack of trying,
Jonathan Land

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