Author's Note: I was going to swear off the Nigerian spam after Hamza Kalu finished up, but this time it's love. Spam donated by Joshua "The Nigerian Connection" Freeman

MEMO

STRICTLY PRIVATE
URGENT BUSINESS PROPOSAL

ATTN:

Based on the information intimated me of your person, I am quite convinced and sure of your being reliable, trustworthy and confident to accommodate my business interest.

I am ìMrs. Maryam Abachaî the former First Lady and the widow of Gen. Sani Abacha, the former Head of State and Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

I got your contact during my search for a foreign partner who has the confidence and ability to protect my business interest as many are fraudulent and can use advantage of me being a widow to swindle me if I open up to them.

During my husbandís tenure in the military as the Head of State and Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces, he made so much money and was fighting ahead to succeed himself to become the Civilian President, along the process he died without accomplishing his ambition on the 8th of June, 1998.

Now that the Civilian has taken over power they have been going about probing all military regime right from Gen. Ibrahim Babangida to the last regime of Gen. Abdusalami Abubakar who finally relinguished power to this present civilian government of President Olusegun Obasanjo. All our accounts both foreign and local has been frozen and confiscated by this Civilian Government.

Presently, my son ìMohammed Abachaî and the Chief Security Officer to my husband and many others who worked under my husbandís administration are still under detention regarding their role when my husband was in active service as the Head of State, if your focus is on the Nigerian Current Affairs.

Now, there is need for you to assist me in all sincerity and honesty, one week before my husband died he drew my attention and sons to huge sum of US$46.5M (Fourty six million five hundred thousand dollars only) , which he had kept in his safe and we have succeeded in moving this money out of Nigeria to a neighboring country in Africa for safekeeping. This money is all we have now and has been under deposit to a security company at Lome Togo. Please I need your help to move this money from the Security Company to any of your chosen account abroad for the sharing. My interest and yours will be discussed as soon as I hear from you so that I will let you know more about the money and the procedure at the neighbouring country in Africa and I would offer you 30% out of the 100%.

Kindly do not let this be hear by anyone apart from yourself even if you canít help me, do contact me immediately so that I can be able to look for another partner who might be willing to help me out but if you are willing to help me, endeavour to reach me immediately. Your utmost response is awaited urgently.

Yours faithfully,

MRS. MARYAM ABACHA

I have read your entire story, and I am deeply, deeply moved. It takes a truly phenomenal individual to overcome the adversity that you've gotten through thus far in your remarkable life without turning to crack, prostitution, or begging strangers on the internet for favors. OK, well two out of three ain't bad.

I can only imagine what these past few years have been like for you trying to carry out your husband's dreams, taking the burden upon your own shoulders, and fighting for what you both believe in. I just can't understand how a cruel world can put you in this compromised state.

If I were in public right now, I would be doing all I can to hold back the tears, but I am quite fortunate to be at home, bawling, where my neighbors can only hear the muted pulses of escaping air followed by the long, deep, hiccupping breaths that will start the process again. My eyes, like a dribble glass, will emit an uncontrollable stream of liquid sorrow on my pillow as I nod off, mere inches away from the previous night's dried puddle of drool. These stains are symbolic places marking my concern, and where my mouth was wide open... but no expressive words flowed forth.

I admire you and your struggle so much. I want to offer you my assistance. I know your request involves the liberation of your money, but I think you should liberate yourself FROM your money. The world you currently inhabit causes you much pain. I don't think you need that money, I think what you need is the love of a good man.

A good man who can lock eyes with you and understand your thoughts without a single word, especially if it'll stop you from nagging. A good man who will hold you when you're down, and will hold you down when you want rough sex. A good man with no political or religious affiliations, or donations to charities that would bring about an untimely death at the hands of guerrillas or zealots, or frequent calls to the house asking for cash.

I am that man for you.

Let me tell you a little about myself:

I'm a very youthful 46. I live at home with my surviving parents, of which I have none. I enjoy intellectual discussions, all sorts of media, and breasts. I dislike kids on my lawn, postage rate increases, and whatever Andy Rooney dislikes tenfold.

While I have the physique of a man who's body is biologically under the impression that it no longer needs to be used to attract women, I assure you that I can pump you like a drunken college freshman's stomach on Mardi Gras.

I think we'll be excellent for one another. I can take you from your high stress situation and bring you into a life of bland contentment, where you can easily dull the pain with lots of booze and some spanky hanky panky.

I can see it now... we'll discreetly ship you and your son to my house via FedEx (do you have FedEx there?). We'll tell your son to fuck off for a few hours, and then we will fuck off and on for said few hours. We will become acquainted with one-another, and if you don't think I am a suitable partner for you, I'll pack you right back up and send your picky ass back home where the enemies of your dead husband will mock you for giving up the good, American life shortly before they riddle your body with good, American bullets.

But let's not focus on the negative. It's not too early in the relationship for me to say this: I love you, Maryam Abacha. I love you with all my heart.

Let the money go and take me. Be mine, Lover (*wink*),
Jonathan "Mr. Maryam Abacha" Land