I HOPE THIS AMIL REACHES YOU IN GOOD HEALTH.I AM SORRY FOR REACHING YOU LATE.I HAVE BEEN ON RECESS LEAVE DUE TO MY HEALTH CONDITION.IF YOUR OFFER STILL STANDS I AM IN.COZ I AM IN SEARCH OF THE GREENER PASTURES IF YOU CAN PROVIDE ONE,THEN I AM ALL YOURS.
HASSAN MUSA.
Dear Mr. Musa,
I'm so sorry to hear about your illness. When you say that you're looking for greener pastures, I can't tell if you want to be put out to them or not. What ails/ailed you, and are you doing better now? It doesn't sound it. Please let me know, because I hate to see another human suffer. If you are still in pain, my amicable friend, I can help.
Now, assisted suicide is not legal here in America, but I can easily find out what the laws are in your jurisdiction. As I mentioned in my previous email, I'm a former Secret Service agent, but I do have some medical training. I once performed a tracheotomy with a ballpoint pen on a baby I delivered in the back seat of a taxi stuck in an elevator which fell into a well. If it weren't for the unborn child's pet dog Lassie being able to so eloquently describe and then lead us to the location of the future Timmy, that well would be a festering pit of death that the authorities (such as myself) would discover only after the neighbors reported the stench.
That's no way to go, and whether you're stuck in an abandoned well, or dying of a terminal illness, it's a slow death, and no one wants that. Not you, not your family / beneficiaries, and certainly not the funeral home which wants nothing more than to mark you off their schedule. I took the liberty of reading Dr. Jack Kevorkian's private FBI file to see how he does it (I have access to these things, you know). Frankly, it all seemed a little over my head with certain mixtures of chemicals being released at certain times, so I don't think that would be the ideal method if I were to assist you.
Then I got to thinking... what's with this sissy injection stuff? I've got access to government armories full of deadly weapons! Of course, I'm very good with a gun (which I never returned when my resignation was asked for), but just to play safe, I'm thinking: bazooka 20 feet from your head. It'll be quick and easy, and your nerve endings will be atomized before the pain could hit them. By the way... I hope you were thinking that your funeral would be a closed casket deal. If not, I know one of those CIA makeup artists who does amazingly realistic work. We can throw a mask we'll make of your face on some other guy.
So just say the word, and I'll see to it that that's the last word you say.
Now, just on the off-chance that I misinterpreted what you wrote, and that you're fit as a fiddle: My scam offer still stands, but logistically I haven't received enough takers to be able to pull this off. I was envisioning that I'd need a real dirty dozen to do it... at the very least with a truly magnificent seven, maybe it could happen, but the responses have been in the terrible twos. A dismal turn-out. I can't even pull off my pants with only two people!
If you are not, in fact, dying: Do you have any friends or associates that you feel are trustworthy enough to be a part of this? Remember, they MUST have clean records, and I will check any names you bring forth, discretely of course, using the same methods that I checked you, yourself out, making me comfortable enough to contact you in the first place. I have far more to lose here than you do.
So how may I be of assistance?
Jonathan Land
jland@incomplete.net
