Dear Jelly Belly,
It's taken me 83 years, but after receiving this email I can safely say that I've now seen it all.
Your product disappoints me greatly in terms of the state of humanity on two levels.
First of all, eating candy is something that's meant to be a pleasurable experience. It's supposed to be sweet and desirable, like holding hands with your special lady on a park bench at sunset, but noooooo, you people would stick a "joy buzzer" in her hand if you could, turning a situation of tender, comforting sentiment into an electrical jolt (that could possibly stop my pacemaker) only to serve the base-level humor pleasures of passers by. If I wanted to be duped into eating something unpalatable, I'd go trick-or-treating on Halloween until I find a caramel apple with a razor blade in it, have dinner at my brother-in-law's, or go on Fear Factor.
Candy is a sugary sacred treat. A reward, a prize. Something you can count on to satiate a craving. You're turning it into a sick game of Russian Roulette. I've played that game in a German prison camp in World War II after my battalion was captured, and girl, you don't want to go there. So please, for the sake of the children, please stop manufacturing this product. If that Harry Potter wasn't so damn popular, you'd never be able to find a reasonable excuse to wreak havoc on supermarket isles like this. J.K. Rowling is probably mortified that someone would turn her fiction into reality. You people are no more intelligent than a kid who emulates "Jackass" stunts and winds up in the hospital or (better yet) dead.
I also feel so much sympathy for your employees. Surely you had to pay a lot of money to a staff (who probably feels they're not being paid enough) that's been forced into sampling boogers, earwax, and vomit, in the effort of comparing them with the flavor of your disgusting simulated end product. Speaking of which, I hope this doesn't put the idea in your head that "end product"-flavored jellybeans should be introduced. I can see the marketing campaign now: "Harry Potter Bertie Bott's Jelly Beans - It's the shit!" Maybe you could have a "pop-rocks and soda" flavor that would explode a kid's head straight of their neck. "Harry Potter Bertie Bott's Jelly Beans - It's da bomb!"
The second level on which this disturbs me is the waste of time and effort I'm sure you put into creating such an abomination of a product. If you're going to have something taste like spinach, you might as emulate its nutritional and fibrous values as well! Of course I personally like the taste of spinach because it goes down east even without my dentures in, but I'm an ancient curmudgeon, and not your target market, although it would help kids stay "regular".
When my grandkids used to watch The Jetsons on tv, I saw that for meals they would have little capsules which satisfied each member of the family and provided them with their proper dietary needs. Now I know that was a cartoon, but it seemed like one day it could happen. Look at the people at NASA! With their super freeze-drying capabilities, they can fit an entire quart of ice cream into the palm of your hand, and when you're done eating it, you feel like you've eaten a whole damn quart of ice cream and are 10 pounds heavier. All this without the brain-freeze! Maybe you people should team up with them to turn this charade into something positive! Imagine all the money you'd make then! I'd love to have a three-course jellybean meal of split-pea soup, pot roast, and strawberry shortcake, and have it mean something to my body. You'd be expanding your market to all people everywhere... doesn't that sound good?
Really, you have the flavor thing down.... congratulations! Now do something constructive. It's a win-win situation, you'll be even more successful than you probably are now, and the people will no longer need to endure heartburn, gas, or painful dinner conversations.
Turn around this bastardization of science and make the world a better place. Do it for the kids, for humanity, not for shock value. You can do it. I know you can.
Jonathan Land
