Author's Note: Merry Christmas, everyone! If you're not up on your North Korean current events you should check out this article, or this poem will make little sense. Thanks to Cliff Vick for meter monitoring and amending.
Subject: Re: Your poem could win $10,000!
From: Jonathan Land <email@example.com>
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How's this seasonal and politically charged little ditty? Just go ahead and send me the check, no one can beat this entry.
Have Yourself a North Korean Christmas
All was unsettled mere days before Christmas.
The North Korean Santa had the U.S. on his shit list.
In the holiday spirit a father talks with his son.
"Dad, could you tell me what the hell's going on?"
"They're removing spy cameras and breaking nuke seals.
I wonder with whom they've been making their deals?"
As dad stroked his beard and loaded a rifle,
He said, "Don't worry son, with us they won't trifle."
The "Axis of Evil" all smug in their beds,
Have visions of missles smashed all through our heads.
"But dad, don't they fear our impending attack?"
"Son, we strike first, and they ain't striking back."
"But they say that it’s just for their nuclear power!"
The Doomsday Clock hands got pushed up a whole hour.
"There's something a brewin' in ol' Nyongbyon
and we can't take it easy 'til them Pinkos are gone."
"Daddy, I'm scared, will there still be a Christmas?
Bright lights, and presents, and egg noggin' yourself witless?"
"Hey, speaking of presents: Can I open one early?"
The father got stern, he got staunch, he got surly.
"I know you're impatient, but we have a tradition,
So, no son, you cannot -- under any condition.”
"But dad!" the boy cried, "That's really not fair!"
And he jumped in the air and plopped down in his chair.
He looked up at his dad with the eyes of a kid,
"Why can't I open presents when North Korea did?!"