THIS WAS MY ORDER.
OK. Thanks for reminding me about the contents of your order. I've prepared a sample package to send to you so you can check out the merchandise.
Unfortunately, I'm still on the lam and I haven't been able to make it back to my warehouse, so I've had to improvise the samples. They're very close to the actual merchandise, but there will be some discrepancies. So this is what you're getting:
1). VIETNAMESE EAR NECKLACE - Fortunately one of the guards I beheaded was, in fact, Vietnamese. I checked him for more than two ears, but that's all he had, so you're getting a lovely pair of Vietnamese Ear Earrings. They'll make a great sight gag for your best girl. People will be doing double-takes left and right trying to figure why she has another set of ears below the ones God gave her.
2) AMERICAN FLAGS - This is fresh from my local post office. It's a bigun. If you want to push four King-size beds together in a two by two rectangle, it'll make an awesome blankie.
3) RAINBOW CAMOUFLAGE CUT OFF DENIM - I went to a gay disco to snag a pair of these. Alas, it was bondage night, so you're getting some ass-less leather chaps, and studded collar, and a slightly used gag-ball.
4) AMERICAN ARMY KNIVES - This is a plastic spoon with a Bic lighter Scotch taped to the bottom, and half a tweezer.
5) BEAN BAG PELLETS - I stole a one-pound bag of lentils from a supermarket. The real bean bag pellets feel similar in texture, but are one-eighth the size.
I'm also sending you the heads of the prison guards I severed because I should really get them out of the Hummer I hotwired, and off my person. Consider them free. Please just don't send them back. Please note one is missing ears as explained above. If you don't like the earrings, you can just Crazy Glue them back in place. I'll carve the data from my business cards into each of their foreheads, in case you'd like to give them to friends who might be interested in using me as their supplier. I guess you can also just send them an email if that's easier or they're squeamish.
So where do I send this stuff to? Also, give me a phone number.