Hello my name is Lisa, I am a Representative with a Talent Marketing and Promotions Company. We are currently looking for talent for a NEW REALITY TV SHOW with the following needed:
Models, Actors, Musicians, Dancers, Singers, DJ's and Comedians.
We are interested in speaking with you as soon as possible.
Call anytime Monday - Friday between 9am-7pm Eastern/Standard Time.
My name is Jonathan Land, and I'm a producer in our wonderful field of Reality Television. I don't know about you, but I'm shocked that people like you and I are still working today. I thought the bubble would have burst a few years ago, but lo and behold, I sold my pilot episode for "Doctor-Patient Confidential Camera" to UPN just last week. You won't believe the medical symptoms people admit to having when they think only their doctor will know! If this one's a hit, I'm going to rig up some church confessional booths to get some even juicier material.
It was an easy sell, but I believe our reign of the boob tube will be coming to an end, despite our success, if we don't affect a change. The media landscape is being razed by the Religious Right, and having a level playing field of wholesome, inoffensive TV is not why I got into this business. I'm already feeling the heat of censorship on one of my proven ratings winners, "Leper Face-Off". It's the only game where you can lose by a nose by not losing your nose!
These wackos in the minority would rather screech their whiny voices at any timid executive than use their God-given power to flip the channel on their remote control. It's a quicker and simpler solution to their problem. Buzzkills. Today Howard Stern is being made an example of by ClearChannel, tomorrow the next logical target is for the major networks to turn on us. I don't want to be bullied into basic cable, do you? Our shows are all about sex and questionable behavior on the parts of both the contestants and us behind-the-scenes folks. If we don't act now, we might as well just acquire the rights to every 50's and 60's sitcom we can find, because the future will be the boring past. Unfortunately, in this unreasonable climate, we would have to re-title "Leave it to Beaver" and use CGI to convert Gidget's bikinis into one-piece bathing suits... or possibly snow suits. That wouldn't look right for a show set on California beaches.
If Bush gets re-elected, we are toast, because he and, in turn, the American media will completely kowtow to this minor pressure. I guarantee you, all women will be in burqas by 2006 because anything else would be considered indecent, and the hottest new fashion will be the chastity belt, possibly a full-body chastity belt which would basically be a suit of armor with locks on it. Eventually this will be enforced by Bush's thugs, and people will be too scared to say "no". We're seeing this begin right now with the destruction of civil rights for homosexuals, and believe it or not, this will effect us! How will we be able to sell "Who Wants To Marry A Gay Millionaire", if the prize will be illegal, and the show will end in a police raid? That's fine for "Cops", but we would want a happy ending here.
I personally find this all very disturbing, and I'd imagine that you do as well, but I have a plan. I hope you're willing to work with me and the team I've recruited on this. I think people in our industry need to band together before the only Reality TV programs that get shown are the State of the Union address and the yearly video fireplace they show at Christmas time in New York.
You know as well as I do that we can command the 18-35 year-old market. We can make these people buy (or buy into) anything, whether it's Clay Aiken or the concept that something like "The Bachelor" is a work of fairy-tale-like romantic fantasy. This is an age range that would vote for a singer on "American Idol" before they'd vote for a president. We need to harness the power of these fools and make them our tools!
Only a fraction of kids these days care about politics. Now, I don't think we can ever make them actually care about politics, but we can get them to vote. I'm proposing that we create a show in an "American Idol" format that takes clips of President Bush and all of the Democratic presidential candidates, and we spin them the way we want things to be spun.
I've given up on trying to honestly trying to convince people to vote. I've joined some excellent organizations and grassroots movements, but they're not producing the results that I know we can. Things are too close for comfort right now! (Note to self: buy the rights to "Too Close For Comfort", it's cheaper than "The Mary Tyler Moore Show"). All Bush would have to do is pull Osama bin Laden out of a hat a la "Rocky and Bullwinkle", and he has the election nailed. We need to make his popularity so low that even if he found the guy and personally executed him on national television, it still would not be enough.
The Reality TV format of gradually thinning out contestants is ideal here. It has to be, because the truth will be too confusing to these couch potatoes who don't know the difference between a primary election and a primary color while the rest of us are either seeing red or feeling blue about the prospects of that yellow fink getting a second term in office.
We'll start everyone off on even ground with our clip compilations. We only want to hint at politics in the beginning. Mostly we'll show the candidates in more social situations, so the viewers can get an idea of their basic personalities. Then we open our phone lines and see where everyone stands. It's key that we point out that people are not allowed to call in unless they are registered to vote. If they aren't registered, we'll tell them how to do it, and they'll get a free t-shirt when they do.
This is when we start eliminating everyone but Bush and Kerry week-by-week. The whole time we monitor the amount of votes the two eventual front-runners get, and we start interspersing the politics in. We go positive on Kerry by highlighting all the good things he's fighting for and making him seem like a hip young guy trapped in a creepy older guy's body, and we (easily) go negative on Bush by showing concrete examples about how he's destroying America and the rest of the world, and giving him the image of a non-lovable buffoon. We can not turn him into a Homer Simpson.
We then just need to ramp up Kerry's figures by the first week in November, before we pull the old bait-and-switch. The day before the election, we'll inform the viewers that the last vote between the final two contestants is so important, that it must be done in person. We create a car service manned by everyone at our affiliate stations, and we have the people call up to be driven to and from our "Grand Finale Voting Ceremony". We should also claim that the now-totally-evil Bush as we've depicted him (i.e. who he truly is) will win if people don't get out there and vote. He'll cancel MTV, wrestling shows, ban cell phones, etc.
Boom... We'll have several million more votes for Kerry than he would have gotten on his own, and his Presidency will be a lock.
Now I bet you're asking yourself: How will we ever get anyone to air this show? This is simple, but requires some chutzpah. If we draw a line in the sand and refuse to create any new Reality TV shows for the networks unless they buy and air this one, someone will cave in. I'm thinking we have our best shot with Fox. Sure, they're heavily Right Wing, but their higher calling is that they'll put anything on TV. I should know, I sold them the self-explanatory shows "Suicide Pact", "Quadriplegic Boxing", and "Bouncing Baby BRAWLERS"!
So there you have it. What do you think? Are you in, or are you going to allow yourself to be forced into Bush's propaganda machine recreating 50's America shortly before it's blown to Kingdom Come?
Let's dictate a positive reality!