Hello Fellow Educator,
I have the the most difficult job in the world. You're probably thinking: "Who the hell are you, the President of the United States?". Close. I'm his Speech Therapist and Tutor.
I desperately require your service because I think it's my last shot at success. I've tried everything from standard coaching, and then taking regressive steps towards high school textbooks, grade school textbooks, and finally Little Golden Books and the "Read With Dick And Jane" series. Dinophonics... you're next! Now, I'm not saying that the President is completely illiterate or unable to think on his feet. The unfortunate fact is that his brain doesn't process external or internal information in a reasonable, logical way. Whether it's his days of coke and booze, the undiagnosed Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, or his penchant for huffing rubber cement, I don't know, but whatever cognitive thought processes the man has are defeated by an inordinate amount of misfirings between the neurons in his brain. While I truly believe that this massive and constant source of randomly-fired energy could power a small city (I've seen him turn a light bulb on in his mouth like Uncle Fester from the Addams Family), it makes both expressing himself, and understanding his own thoughts an uphill battle to say the least. That's why they called in me... "the expert".
Obviously you've seen my work, and most people would say it's unimpressive. Believe me, I'm as disappointed as the rest of the world, but in my defense, I have my hands full. I have worked with the mentally and physically disabled for nearly 30 years. You'd think that dealing with a man-child of marginal intellectual faculties due to undetermined brain damage would be a cakewalk for me! Hell, I've taught brain-dead kids in iron lungs how to play the harmonica! Actually, all you need to do is stick a harmonica in their mouth, but still it's a crowd-pleaser.
Alas, I have discovered that you can lead a jackass to the waters of literature, but you can't make him sip from the cup of knowledge, even when offering a beer chaser. I'm almost glad in a way. If Bush were to sip from a cup of knowledge, his backwash would taint the rest of us with infectious stupidity.
I've brought Mr. Bush to the Library of Congress on many occasions, and all he's interested in is feeling the texture of old leather-bound tomes... with his tongue. He calls it "getting learned by osmosis". While I'm proud that he knows the word "osmosis", I am ashamed of his particular lack of understanding of the concept. If only saliva was smarts...
My work with George W. Bush makes Anne Hathaway's education of Helen Keller look like a college refresher course, and not the "miracle work" it's touted to be.
This horrible and embarrassing failure will look awful on my resume. I would have quit years ago, but I thought: "This will be my greatest triumph ever! I can't pass up an opportunity like this. I will become the toast of educational circles around the world, and I'll make millions off of my future tell-all book: 'From Duh To Dominance of the English Language'", and its follow-up 'Intelligence for Dummies'". Nowadays I think: "Jane Goodall will be able to get one of her subjects to give a coherent speech before I can!"
Just to give you an example of what I'm dealing with, here are some excerpts of transcripted recording I've made of the President. As part of my work with him, I've planted a tape recorder on Mr. Bush, with his permission so I can go over things with him such as presentation, diction, composure, and the literal definitions of words. I've had 3 transcriptionists suffocate to death, choking on their own laughter after reading this material.
Excerpt 1: 9/10/01 - Private discussion with Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld.
Donald Rumsfeld: ...So like I was saying before you took your "Little Georgie" break. We have the "terrorists" fly the planes into the Twin Towers. We also have two more planes target the nearly empty wing of the Pentagon and crash another in a field somewhere as a distraction. We'll claim that one's headed for D.C. too. Operation Al Queda is a win-win situation. You will get to claim the greatest victory over the greatest adversity America has ever faced, and you off some money-grubbing Jews in the process. Re-election is guaranteed, and once we strong-arm the bill killing term limits through, you will be President until you kick the bucket.
President Bush: Can I fly one of the Twin Tower planes? I'll glide that sucker smack-dab in the middle of the building, then ride off into the sunset on my trusty horse!
Condoleezza Rice: I don't think you'd want to do that Mr. President.
President Bush: Why not?
Condoleezza Rice: Because you'll die, Sir.
President Bush: I thought that becoming President granted me Special Powers!
Condoleezza Rice: Not those kind of powers, Sir. Have you been reading comic books again, Sir?
President Bush: God damn it! I need some coke!
Donald Rumsfeld: We're really getting off track here.
President Bush: I really can't fly a plane into the Twin Towers? Not just one of them?
Donald Rumsfeld: Listen, Mr. President. If you're good, when we start the war you can put on the fighter pilot costume you love so much, and land a plane... that's land... not crash... on an aircraft carrier.
President Bush: I made a number two in that uniform last night. It smells poopy.
Excerpt 2: 9/11/01 - Whispered Discussion with Secret Service Agent.
Secret Service Agent: Sir, an airplane just collided with one of the World Trade Center buildings.
President Bush: Was it a paper airplane? How far did it go? Mine never go far.
Secret Service Agent: No, Sir. It was a commercial airliner.
President Bush: I don't care what people say. I love commercials.
Secret Service Agent: Focus, Sir.
President Bush: Ah yes. I see. OK, which world's Trade Center was hit?
Secret Service Agent: Uh... the one in New York City, Sir.
President Bush: Isn't New York on Earth? I might not be the brightest brick in the belfry, but even I know New York isn't a planet. You should really read your horoscope more often to learn about the country's galaxy. You might get learned a thing or two.
Secret Service Agent: What?
President Bush: I'm going to wait for you to get your story straight and if something happens here on Earth, in the American part, I'll pounce into action like a wildcat with it's tail caught in my bum.
Secret Service Agent: I give up. [mutters] Assclown.
President Bush: I love clowns!
Secret Service Agent: Sir, the second of the Twin Towers has been hit.
President Bush: Why would someone punch a building? Did the guy get hurt? Was it a Federal building? Can we be sued? Wait. Didn't I OK that?
Secret Service Agent: Huh? No, Sir. the second of the two Twin Towers of the World Trade Center was hit by another commercial airliner. Definitely a metal plane. I can't imagine you authorized this unless you're the personification of pure evil.
President Bush: Nah, I talked to God this morning, and he thinks I'm cool. Hmm... World Trade Center you say?
Secret Service Agent: Yes, Sir.
President Bush: Which world?
Secret Service Agent: Actually it's just a name, Sir. It's in New York City... which is in New York State... Which is one of the United States... of which you are the President.
President Bush: I forget... Which states in America are united?
Secret Service Agent: All of them, Sir.
President Bush: Even Hawaii? They seem a bit standoffish.
Secret Service Agent: Yes Sir, even Hawaii.
President Bush: Well, it looks to me like they're trying to secede. Location, Location, Location. We need to bring this situation under control. Has anyone thought of bombing them?
Secret Service Agent: It's already happened, Sir.
President Bush: Did we do it?
Secret Service Agent: No, the Japanese did.
President Bush: Really? Should we thank them or bomb them back?
Secret Service Agent: We already bombed the Japanese sir, with two nuclear bombs.
President Bush: That'll show 'em. How come I wasn't briefed on this?
Secret Service Agent: It happened over 60 years ago.
President Bush: Still, shouldn't I have approved it?
Secret Service Agent: You weren't born yet, Sir.
President Bush: Ahhh... I can take a hint. You're right. It's best that I don't know about the covert, secret stuff.
Secret Service Agent: We should get back to the task at hand, Sir. You know, the terrorist attack on the United States?
President Bush: Ah, yes. I forget... Which states in America are united?
Excerpt 3: Date Unknown - Phone call with Osama bin Laden
Osama bin Laden: So, now do you see the folly of your ways, infidel?
President Bush: You bastard, I've been faithful to my wife! You're thinking of my predecessor.
Osama bin Laden: I don't understand.
President Bush: Understand this, Assclown, I'm going to take you downtown! I'm going to float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, and I'm the chocolate that's going to melt in your mouth and not in your hands, bitch.
Osama bin Laden: Such noble diplomacy! Why don't you come over here and say that?
President Bush: I got my diplomacy from Yale. It's hanging on my office wall! You name the time and place, and I'll be there, stretch. No, wait. I'm in control here. I'll name the time and place!...
Osama bin Laden: You still there?
President Bush: Wha... what was I saying?
Osama bin Laden: You wanted to fight me.
President Bush: Yeah, I'll come over to Iraq and fight you mano-a-mano.
Osama bin Laden: Iraq? If you say so.
President Bush: I'll meet you in the schoolyard at 3, bitch.
Osama bin Laden: I'll be wearing a red turban.
President Bush: Good! it'll match the bloody pulp I beat you into, Hussein.
Osama bin Laden: Umm, I'm not... You've got to be kidding me.
So there you have it.
Like I said before... I really think Dinophonics is my last shot at developing the President's mind to a functional, quasi-adult level. Given what I've described... can you give me an assessment of whether or not your program will be able to help in this situation?
Jonathan Land (But I like to go by "Alan Smithee".)
The President's Speech Therapist and Educational Tutor
The White House.