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Author's Note: Thank you to Joshua S. Freeman for gracing me with this gem. There's nothing more I want from life now than to have this person respond to me.

HON. RAYMOND ETIEBET(DR).

ATTN: Joshua S. Freeman,

DEAR SIR

REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

FIRST, I MUST SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION. THIS IS VIRTURE OF IT'S NATURE AS BEING UTTERLY CONFIDENTIAL AND TOP SECRET.

WE ARE TOP OFFICIALS OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA CONTRACT REVIEW PANEL WHO ARE INTERESTED IN IMPORTATION OF GOODS INTO OUR COUNTRY AND INVESTING IN EUROPE WITH FUNDS WHICH ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN NIGERIA.

IN ORDER TO COMMENCE THIS BUSINESS WE SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANTANCE, KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERTISE TO ENABLE US RECIEVE THE SAID TRAPPED FUNDS ABROAD, FOR THE SUBSEQUENT PURCHASE AND INVENTORY OF THE GOODS TO BE IMPORTED AND THE INVESTMENT IN EUROPE.

THE SOURCE OF THIS FUND IS AS FOLLOWS: DURING THE PREVIOUS MILITARY REGIMES IN OUR COUNTRY, GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS SET UP COMPANIES AND AWARDED THEMSELVES CONTRACTS WHICH WERE GROSSLY OVER-INVOICED IN VARIOUS MINISTRIES. THE NEW CIVILIAN GOVERNMENT NOW SETUP A CONTRACT REVIEW PANEL WHICH I AND MY COLLEAGUES ARE MEMBERS AND WE HAVE IDENTIFIED A LOT OF INFLATED SUM, DUE TO OUR POSITION AS CIVIL SERVANTS AND MEMBERS OF THIS PANEL, WE CANNOT AQUIRE THIS MONEY IN OUR NAMES. I HAVE THEREFORE, BEEN DELEGATED AS A MATTER OF TRUST BY MY COLLEAGUES OF THE PANEL TO LOOK FOR AN OVERSEA PATNER INTO WHOSE ACCOUNT THE SUM OF US$31,000 000,00 (THIRTY-ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) WILL BE PAID BY TELEGRAPHIC TRANSFER. HENCE WE ARE WRITTING YOU THIS LETER.

WE HAVE AGREED TO SHARE THE MONEY THUS:
1. 70% FOR US (THE OFFICIALS)
2. 20% FOR THE FOREIGN PATNER(YOU)
3. 10% TO BE USED IN SETTLING TAXATION AND LOCAL AND FOREIGN EXPENSES.

IT IS THIS 70% THAT WE WISH TO COMMENCE THE IMPORTATION BUSINESS AND THE INVESTMENT IN EUROPE. PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% SAFE AND WE HOPE THAT THE FUNDS CAN ARRIVE YOUR ACCOUNT IN LATEST TEN(10) BANKING DAYS FROM THE DATE OF RECIEPT OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION . A SUITABLE COMPANY NAME AND BANK ACCOUNT(COMPANY OR PERSONEL) INTO WHICH THE FUNDS CAN BE PAID.

THE ABOVE INFORMATION WILL ENABLE US WRITE LETTERS OF CLAIM AND JOB DESCRIPTION RESPECTIVELY. THIS WAY WE WILL USE YOUR COMPANY'S NAME TO APPLY FOR PAYMENTS AND RE-AWARD THE CONTRACT TO YOUR COMPANY NAME.

WE ARE LOOKING FOWARD TO DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU AND SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY IN THIS TRANSACTION.

PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE RECIEPT OF THIS LETTER USING THIS E-MAIL ADDRESS. I WILL BRING YOU INTO THE COMPLETE PICTURE OF THIS PENDING PROJECT WHEN I HAVE HEARD FROM YOU.

YOURS FATHFULLY,
HON. RAYMOND ETIEBET(DR).

FAX:234-1-7596980 TEL:234-1-4701056

--- "Joshua S. Freeman" wrote:

Raymond,

I own many companies and corporate accounts. Which one, in particular, did you have in mind in terms of doing this business transaction together?

Where did you get my email address?

best wishes,

Joshua

DEAR JOSHUA S. FREEMAN,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSE. MY COLLEAGUES AND I ARE OVERJOYED BY YOUR RESPONSE AND YOUR APPARENT UNDERSTANDING OF THE NEED FOR CONFIDENTIALITY IN ALL MATTERS RELATING TO THIS TRANSACTION,WE GOT YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS FROM A COLLEAGUE FORMERLY WORKING IN THE NIGERIAN CHAMBERS OF TRADE AND COMMERCE WE DO NOT KNOW IF HE KNOWS YOU PERSONALLY OR WHERE HE GOT YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS FROM BECAUSE WE DID NOT ASK HIM TOO MANY QUESTIONS SO THAT HE DOES NOT START ASKING US QUESTIONS ALSO, IN FACT HE DOES NOT EVEN KNOW THAT WE HAVE CONTACTED YOU AND WE DO NOT INTEND GIVING HIM ANY FEEDBACK SO AS YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY IS WELL PROTECTED. WE HAVE DECIDED TO MOVE FORWARD WITH YOU. PLEASE FIND THE DETAILS BELOW.

THE MONEY IN QUESTION (US$31,000,000,00) IS AS A RESULT OF AN OVER INVOICED CONTRACT PAYMENT WHICH THE ORIGINAL CONTRACTOR HAS BEEN PAID HIS TOTAL ENTITLEMENT LEAVING THE OVER-INVOICED AMOUNT(US$31,000,000,00) IN A CODED ACCOUNT AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA(C.B.N). WE, BY VIRTURE OF OUR POSITION AS THE CONTRACT REVIEW PANEL AND BEING THAT WE ARE THE ONLY ONES AWARE OF EXISTENCE OF THE FUNDS, WE WANT TO AQUIRE THE FUNDS FOR OURSELVES. TO DO THIS IT BECOMES EXTREMLY NECESSARY FOR US TO OFFICIALIZE THE PROCESS OF FUNDS TRANSFER MAKING IT TAKE THE SEMBLANCE OF AN ACTUAL CONTRACT PAYMENT. THIS WHERE WE NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE.

THE CONTRACT WOULD BE PERCIEVED TO HAVE BEEN EXECUTED BY YOUR COMPANY FOR THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION(NNPC), WHICH IS THE FEDERAL STATUTORY CORPORATION FOR WHICH THE ORIGINAL CONTRACT WAS DONE, WHILE ITíS VERY NATURE AS AN ORGANISED DEAL, REMAINS WITHIN OUR(PARTNERS ONLY EXCLUSIVE KNOWLEDGE.)

WHAT MUST BE DONE:
YOU ARE TO RE-TYPE AND FILL IN THE ACCOMPANYING DETAILS INTO YOUR LETTERHEAD AND INVOICE PAPERS RESPECTIVELY, SIGN THEM AND SEND THEM BACK TO ME BY FAX IMMIEDIATELY, TO ENABLE ME MAKE APPLICATION FOR THE FUNDS TRANSFER TO THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA THROUGH MY OFFICE THE CONTRACT REVIEW PANEL. WE WILL HAVE A NOTARY PUBLIC ENDORSE THE FAX COPY, SO IT CAN SERVE AS AN ORIGINAL. YOUR COMPANY SHALL BE INTRODUCED BY US AS THE BONA FIDE CONTRACTOR AT THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION(NNPC) AS WHO EXECUTED CONTRACT NO:043/NNPC/WR-PH/93. BASED ON THE HOMEWORK WE HAVE DONE, THE APPLICATION WILL BE APPROVED AND SENT TO THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA(CBN) FOR THE FINAL APPROVAL AFTER WHICH THE FUNDS WOULD BE TRANSFERED TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT BY TELEGRAPHIC TRANSFER OR SOLAR DRAFT FOR US ALL.IN RESPECT TO YOUR QUESTION ON THE ACCOUNT TO USE WE JUST NEED A GOOD ACCOUNT THAT CAN RECEIVE THIS MONEY.

WE BEING CIVIL SERVANTS ARE VERY CONSCIOUS OF THE DICTATES OF THE LAW, THIS IS IN ORDER TO SAFE GUARD OUR POSITIONS AS CIVIL SERVANTS AND ALSO THE LEGAL INTERESTS OF YOUR COMPANY NOW AND IN THE FUTURE, FOR THIS WE WOULD MAKE SURE YOUR COMPANY IS REGISTERED WITH THE NIGERIAN PETROLEUM CORPORATION(N.N.P.C) AS A CATEGORY "A" CONTRACTOR BECAUSE ONLY A BONA FIDE REGISTERED COMPANY IS GRANTED CONTRACTS.

ONCE THE APPROVAL OF THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE IS READY, FOREIGN CONTRACTORS AMENDMENT ACT OF 1995 PROVIDES THAT THE BENEFICIARY OF THE CONTRACT PAYMENT(YOU) SHALL BE REQUIRED TO BE PRESENT IN NIGERIA AND ENDORSE THE CLASSIFIED TRANSFER DOCUMENTS AT THE INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE OFFICE OF THE CENTRAL BANK (C.B.N). ALTERNATIVELY IF THE BENEFICIARY IS UNABLE TO COME TO NIGERIA TO ENDORSE, HE IS LIABLE TO RETAIN THE SERVICES OF A LOCAL ATTORNEY WHO IS A REGISTERED CONSULTANT AT THE CETRAL BANK OF NIGERIA, TO ENDORSE ON HIS BEHALF PROVIDED THERE IS A PROPERLY EXECUTED POWER OF AUTHORITY TO THAT EFFECT. I WOULD ADVISE THAT IN YOUR RESPONSE YOU SHOULD INDICATE THE OPTION MOST SUITABLE TO YOU.

I WANT TO EMPHASIZE HERE THAT ALL EXPENSES INCURED BY ALL PARTNERS IN THE PROCESS OF THIS TRANSACTION SHALL BE PAID BACK WHEN THE FUNDS ARE REMITTED. THE FUNDS SHALL BE SHARED IN THE RATIO 70% FOR US 20% FOR YOU AND THE REMAINING 10% FOR REFUNDING ALL EXPENSES INCURED BY ALL PARTIES DURING THE COURSE OF THIS TRANSACTION.

AT THE END OF THE TRANSACTION TWO OF US SHALL ARRIVE THE COUNTRY OF YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT FOR THE PURPOSE OF SECURING OUR SHARE AND USING YOUR ASSISTANCE TO PURCHASE GOODS FOR IMPORTATION TO NIGERIA. WE INTEND TO IMPORT AGRICULTURAL MACHINERY AND APPLIANCES OR COMPUTERS AND ACCESSORIES.

PLEASE YOU CALL ME OR FAX ME IMMEDIATELY YOU HAVE READ THIS. I WAIT IN EARNEST ANTICIPATION OF YOUR RESPONSE.

BEST REGARDS
HON. RAYMOND ETIEBET (DR.)

N.B YOU CAN CALL ME AT ANY TIME OR VERY LATE AT NIGHT NIGERIAN TIME BY THEN MOST PEOPLE WILL BE ASLEEP AND THE TELEPHONE LINES WILL BE LESS BUSY.YOU SHOULD ALSO SEND ME YOUR PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL AND FAX NUMBERS

RETYPE INTO YOUR LETTER HEAD

THE DIRECTOR GENERAL
ENGINEERING AND PROJECTS
NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
FALOMO-IKOYI
LAGOS NIGERIA.

DEAR SIR,
COULD YOU KINDLY USE YOUR GOOD OFFICE TO ACT IN FAVOUR OF OUR BILL WHICH HAS BEEN PESENTED TO YOU.

DUE TO YOUR DELAY IN ACTING ON OUR BILL, WE ARE NOW CONTINUALLY BEING HARRASSED BY OUR CREDITORS.

SO, KINDLY PAY OUR FUNDS INTO OUR ACCOUNT BELOW BY SWIFT TELEGRAPHIC TRANSFER.

BANK NAME: ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ
ADDRESS: ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ
PHONE: ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ
ACCOUNT NO: ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ
BENEFICIARY: ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ

YOURS SINCERELY,
SIGN, STAMP,DATE.

RETYPE IN YOUR INVOICE

THE DIRECTOR GENERAL
ENGINEERING & PROJECTS
NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
FALOMO-IKOYI
LAGOS NIGERIA.

DEAR SIR,

BELOW IS THE BILL OF OUR CONTRACT NO.043/NNPC/WR-PH/93 WHICH HAS EARLIER BEEN PRESENTED FOR YOUR NECESSARY ACTION AND APPROVALÝÝÝÝ
ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ S/N ITEMS AMOUNT

1.FLUSHING & CALIBRATION OF THE IKOT-EKPENE UYO AXIAL STATION
$18,640,000.00

2.LAYING OF FLOW PIPES FROM WARRI TO PORT HARCOURT
$8,000,000.00

3.REPAIR OF FACULTY TURBINE AT THE BONNY HABOUR
$4,360,000.00

TOTAL
$31,000,000.00

YOURS SINCERELY,
STAMP,SIGN,DATE

Dear Nigerian Ambassador,

My name is Jonathan Land, and I'm a distant relative of a man you've contacted recently named Joshua S. Freeman. When I say "distant relative", I don't mean that I'm one of his siblings or offspring that barely acknowledges his impaired but continuing existence through yearly birthday phone calls and more infrequent visits, I'm just a cousin more times removed than I'd like to bother to calculate. More importantly, I have the power of attorney over Mr. Freeman's estate... unlike Mr. Freeman himself.

The reason I have total control over Mr. Freeman's finances is because he's screwier than a pimp recruiting station at a job fair, and unfortunately you have seen what it's like to personally deal with him. What I'm trying to say here is that not only does his elevator fall a few stories short of the belfry, but no matter how you get up there, you're bound to be hip-deep in guano. God, do I love calling that guy nuts, there's a million ways to do it too!

Before I came around in my current capacity, he contacted his lawyers daily to change his will to bequeath his entire fortune to whichever sitcom family was on tv the previous night. One night it was the Drummonds from Diff'rent Strokes. While I thought it would make a nice happy ending for the revised E! True Hollywood Story to have those two surviving former child actors up on their feet again and able to afford their own drugs again (prescription liver medication for Gary Coleman and crack for Todd Bridges), I don't think that is really Joshua's responsibility. I had a heart-to-heart with him about this silly practice of his, and I thought he understood, but then he kept changing his will constantly to donate money to ridiculous charities!

One time he even donated money to Parkinson's research which, on a good day, is a shaky proposition at best. I figured he must have seen an ad for it with their new pitchman, because he kept on talking about helping out "that poor Alex Keaton boy". His nursing staff and I were very impressed with the powers of association he hasn't featured in months, but we knew it was only a fleeting thing. If I may be so bold as to describe your country as being on some sort of American cultural delay, I just made a reference to a television sitcom called Family Ties, but it might be lost on you. If Nigeria's anything like England, it's probably going to be debuting there any month now. Does that make sense, or do I need to explain what a television is? For all I know you could have sent this email through a Kinkos hundreds of miles away from you via telegraph. Just please, let me know if I'm going too fast for you with any of my hip American lingo, and I'd be happy to explain it to you.

Anyhoo, I've away for the past week, in which time it would appear that Mr. Freeman himself struck up a conversation with you, first inquiring about a deal you presented to him, and then ultimately refusing it. Please ignore that correspondence completely, and I apologize for the inconvenience. How he figured out the password to his email account is beyond me, but I've already changed it to "password", which he would never get in a million years. Please deal directly with me from here on out at the address you are receiving this e-mail from.

To recap: You solicited Mr. Freeman to help you in a financial matter that would require him to register one of his company's bank accounts with the Nigerian Petroleum Corporation to hold a sum of money which would later be redistributed in the form of a 70%-20%-10% split between you, Mr. Freeman, and transaction expenses.

We are, in fact, VERY interested in this opportunity, and I do have the power to make it a reality. There is one stipulation though. Since we would be doing you a great service, I think 20% of the kitty would be a little skimpy. However, we do not want more money! We would like property in key locations around Nigeria to open up a chain of stores. We would also need the proper business licenses for said chain, as well as translators to help us implement everything. If this is possible, I'll fill you in on the nature of the business, but like your deal, it too is confidential, and I'd rather not divulge any pertinent info until it's a go.

Thank you, and I hope I can repair our wounded relationship, and start anew on the right foot... unless you guys have some cultural stigma in regards to feet or the right-hand side of the body.

I'm looking forward to your reply, and I'm very eager to make this happen.

Thanks again,
Jonathan Land
Power of Attorney for Joshua Freeman

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