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Author's Note: Original spam donated by Iain Aitch.

Subject: Re: I can love again.
From: Jonathan Land <>
Date: 10/18/2002

I had lost interest in intimate relations with my husband until Viacrme. I thought something was wrong with me. Now we are intimate like when we were first married. I cant wait until our vacation. I will pack the Viacrme first! --June, 43

Learn how Viacreme can improve your life and relationships.

Click HERE!

Thanks for the tip, but no matter how much cream you rub on your whosits or your husband's whatsits, it's only a quick fix for your marital problems. If it's pure physical friction you're after, go ride a washing machine during the spin cycle.

Hi, my name's Jonathan Land, and I'm a marriage counsellor.

Sexual interest with a spouse in a typical marriage is bound to diminish over time. I've enclosed a graph that shows as much.


Such a marriage which will either end in divorce, prolonged decades of unhappiness, or death. However, the key to successful sex in marriage lies not in the loins, but in the lobes... cranial lobes, that is. You can't get all hot and bothered sexually if you don't have a partner that doesn't satisfy you enough that when push comes to shove, things have to be shoved instead of smoothly pushed.

The reason you're not able to physically get "juiced up" of a night of carnal pleasure is simply because your husband is an awful lover (or has become one over time), and your body is not open to you thinking of him as someone who can satisfy your sexual needs. It's not you. It's him.

All men go through this at some point. There was a time when all I knew about sex was my application of "The Karate Kid"'s floor polishing "wax-on, wax-off" and fence painting "stroke-up, stroke-down" techniques to the female form. One of my sexual partners from back in those days was so underwhelmed that she, also having seen "The Karate Kid", applied the famous crane-kick move to my nuts so hard that my balls and eyes switched places for a week. As I was crying myself to bed each night with semen tears, I resolved to become an irresistible sexual dynamo that no woman could deny.

Of course, I'm happily married for 20 years now to the women who lusted for me the most, and I feel exactly the same about her. When we both come home from a difficult day of work, my wife and I can't wait to tear each other's clothes off like ravenous beasts and do it until we pass out from exhaustion or we have to go to work the following day. Now that's a real marriage!

So the next time you reach for that Viacreme, why don't you talk with your husband instead? Tell him that you're concerned with how lousy of a lay he's become, and that he's just going to have to keep trying things out on you until you're happy or you'll leave him for a more handsome man who's hung like a full roll of paper towels.

Jonathan Land
Marriage Counsellor

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