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Author's Note: I was going to title this: "An Open Letter To All Nigerian Scam Artists", but it takes a little more than merely being Nigerian and a scam artist these days to draw my attention. That being said... this will be my final entry in this particular genre. It's well worn, and there's a crop of other folks who seem to be into baiting these folks. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, and like shooting anything, it's a blast. Go forth and conquer, kids.

Dear Illegitimate Nigerian Businessmen,

I have a proposition for you, please hear me out.

My name is Jonathan Land. I'm a former Secret Service agent who used to spend a significant amount of time investigating your "419" scam. Frankly, running around after you guys is tedious and confusing, like trying to get a book of replies to spam published. So if I can't beat you, I'll join you. Man did I want to beat you though... with the biggest government-issue billy club I could still lift.

I realize how much money is to be made in your little endeavor. A sucker used to be born every minute, but due to gross overpopulation, new statistics show that there's a sucker born every 3.9 seconds according to the May, 2001 issue of the Barnum Report of Monetary Advantage. That's a lot of suckers to be had.

I'm contacting the lot of you because you guys are the top of your fraud, the cream of the crap, the golden dregs at the bottom of the barrel of bobos. Plus I've used my connections to investigate all of your criminal records and you've all come out clean. Congrats... you're all very good at what you do.

Unfortunately, what you do is under intense scrutiny, and people around the world are becoming privy to the fact that you've been running a con as long as a marathon. So the game has to change in order for you to keep playing, and I'm the guy that can help... for a fee, of course.

I've seen your lengthy convoluted missives a thousand times over. If it's not about a political statement, it's about abandoned money, or a business transaction gone awry. Whatever it is... it's too detailed and too much to deal with for your average e-mail fool. Why do you think television's so popular? Thinking's out, staring glassy-eyed is in!

You've got to go straight for the heart... the heart that's already bleeding. I'm talking about charity here... from the people who give little kids coins on Halloween for UNICEF to corporations who donate millions of dollars to the causes they see fit/are in vogue.

What you need to do... all of you... is to join forces and create a bogus organization that fights "the scammers" that are giving places like Nigeria a bad name in the world's view. The more the "419" scam becomes popular, and the higher you raise your profile, the more money your new organization, that publicly combats "these people", will make. Has your sense of irony walked off hand in hand with your sense of human decency? Get with it, people. You sit there and rake it in for a few years, and then you all cash out and lead a life of criminal leisure.

This is the part where I come in... as a former government official, I have lots of access to lots of different things... particularly the media and lists of charitable individuals and organizations. You guys establish the front... I spread the word, and I target the e-mails to the people who will actually give money to "the cause", unlike the barely successful scattershot approach that you currently employ. I want 25% of said money for my services. I don't care what you guys do with your share. I guarantee you that we can raise a billion dollars in the next five years. If you believe me, reply to this and welcome aboard. If you don't, it's your loss. Also, if you choose to not take part in this and so much as breathe a word to another living soul, your aforementioned status of flying below the radar will be raised to a massive public spectacle that'll make New York City's Mermaid Parade look like a funeral procession of the utmost gravity and decorum.

Also... I'd like to note here that I am a FORMER Secret Service agent... I assure you that this is not a sting operation. even if it was, this would clearly be entrapment and be tossed out of a court of law faster than you could say "mistrial".

So who's in?
Jonathan Land
jland@incomplete.net

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