Dear Mr. Khalid,
I am very pleased with most of the fabric pattern photos you sent me.
Some of them remind me of the time I was with my attorney, Dr. Gonzo, in Las Vegas watching the carpets in casinos open up and swallow the high rollers whole. Those were the days. Other patterns remind me that taste is relative, and that the rules of supply and demand that are such that Marlon Brando's mu-mu designers need fabric too, and lots of it.
As I mentioned before, the company I work for is named Penitentiary Pants. We design pants for registered sex offenders. We only have a men's department. We have no women's department because the chances of a woman sexually offending a man are negligible, and God bless the dear, sweet angel who tries. If my 12 year old son ever comes home telling me that one of his female teachers touched him, I'll sit him down and say, "Son... I won't believe you until you take pictures of her naked, now take this camera and go, go, go! Oh, wait, have her slip on this nurse's outfit.... and this cheerleader uniform...and ooh, ooh, get her in nothing but this beanie and these clown shoes too. Daddy's bored tonight! Make Daddy believe you, son. Make... Daddy... Believe..."
However, if a male teacher touches him... there would simply not be enough bones in his body to break and grind into a fine powder. The only future employment available to him would be as The Human Blob in a freak show or glue. My job is to prevent these sexual predators from the exercising of their passion through designer pants.
These pants will be a technological marvel. Our prototype was shown at this year's BlipBlipShinyCoolWow Convention in Tokyo and at the LAPD Crime-Bashers Convention. We came in second place at both events. We were robbed of glory in Japan by a watch that tells you when your bladder's full. However, we lost admirably in LA to some program called the Police Defence Initiative which manufactures a gun that shoots oncoming bullets. Wild stuff. It only works about 1% of the time (man oh man, were the showgirls demonstrating it nervous), but it has lots of money behind it, so it just had to take Best in Show.
Still, they were received many cheers and there was much hullabaloo.
Here's the deal with the pants: They'll be fitted with Dicktronics Erect-Detect Alarmsô which will monitor blood flow to the wearer's penis. Should the blood flow increase, another Dicktronics product, The Clapô Zipper Locker will be triggered to prevent anything or anyone from getting in or out of the pants. After the contents of the pants have been secured, a strobe light (attached to the posterior) and a 90dB bullhorn (clamped to the lower leg) will be triggered, warning anyone within a mile radius of the offender. Once the warning's gone out, the final step takes place. ShrinkMasterô Ice Cold Water Jets connected a portable water tower (not pictured in the below photo) will blast the wearer's crotch with water slightly above freezing at 5 gallons a second. And it all gets powered from battery in their monitoring anklet! Sweet, huh?
Originally we were going simply go with zipperless pants, but those wouldn't fly. Then we came up with "The Pervert's New Pants", telling the investors that at least you know where the sex offender's head is at at all times, but they saw right through it. So we decided to bring pants into the 21st century. Our slogan is: "Our pants come with bells and whistles, so the wearers won't."
OK, here's where you come in: I need a small run of 500 pairs of these pants. I can ship you all of the parts, electronics, hoses, and wiring. You just need to make the pants around them. What would your turnaround time be and how much will it run? If all goes well with this project, I also design novelty t-shirts (see below) and I can throw some more business your way. The t-shirts would be an easier run, but not the intellectual challenge that should intrigue you about the pants.
I'm looking forward to hearing from you,
Jonathan Land
